I'm Not Dead, Just Lazy. Also, Colossal Squid, and Overzealous Capitalization of Titles

Well, well, well. It would appear that public humiliation is a significant motivator! Okay. I will take time out of my "busy" day of reading the same blogs, over and over and over again, until it is time to go home, to write you people a post. And you will like it.

Let's see. Where's our Huge Awesome Things Action Item Tracking Sheet? Can I even remember my Google Docs login? Hmm. Okay, I'm in. What do we have here? Cluster ballooning... nope, biggest RC plane... I'll pass, Hugest Boar Testicles? Jesus, Nathan, what the hell kind of sick action items are these? You can take care of the porcine gonads, thanks. Oh, here we go. I can do this. Let's talk about cephalopods, my most favorite class of mollusca!

As this blog is specifically about Huge and Awesome things, I'll have to pass on the discussion of the emminently adorable cuttlefish (look! he just wants a hug)


And skip straight to COLOSSAL SQUID.

Colossal Squid are the largest known invertabrate. They can grow to 46 feet in length and can weigh half a ton; large enough to take out sperm whales, and even your mom. Here's one of those handy charts I like so much (sorry it is in Socialist Metric and doesn't feature Your Mom):


In New Zealand, some fishermen managed to snag a colossal squid and drag its carcass home for SCIENCE. These men are heroes.


So, what did science find out about the largest squid ever captured? Oh, you know, nothing special.

JUST HUNDREDS OF SUCKERS ON EACH TENTACLE EQUIPPED WITH TOOTH-LIKE HOOKS. THAT SWIVEL, FOR OPTIMAL ATTACHMENT, TO YOUR FACE.

WHAT THE FUCK NATURE.

Also, this thing:


Scientists call this the squid's "beak" which might evoke images of cute sparrows or toucans or other such harmless feathered friends. In this case, "beak" refers to a part of the squid's body that is, you know, dedicated to rending flesh from bone. I mean, no biggie, right? Definitely not a problem when it's stripping the meat off your own thorax.

So, pretty much everything about the Colossal Squid is fundamentally huge, and horrifying. Therefore perfectly suitable to future warfare! When the revolution comes and you're up against the wall, I'll be wearing a Colossal Squid suit, with swivel-hook equipped tentacles and a beak the size of your face. Who's IN CHARGE NOW, BITCHES?

...

Oh hey, this whole post-writing thing is actually easier than I remember it being... hmm, guess I could do this more often, yes?