We woke up this morning to news that the government is going to spend all of our money and China's to bail out everything ever that's ever gone wrong with the economy. Remember that pair of sneakers you bought from Landsend that came in the mail but didn't fit and you were too lazy to return? Don't worry, becasue the Fed is so freaked out that those sneakers will destroy the the very foundation of capitalism in America that they will buy them back on a line of credit from China for ten times more than they're worth.
ANYWAY, the universe said, "Thou shalt be PWNED" (because the universe thought of internet l33t speak before the rest of you jerks). You see, not only was this a cosmic ray burst of epic fucking proportions, it was also pointed directly at Earth. From SEVEN POINT FIVE BILLION YEARS AGO. Where is your loving God now? He tried to destroy the Earth from before its creation 4.6 billion/6000 years ago/the Dinosaur Past, bitches. That's even before his only begotten son was wrangling velociraptors for mounts, that's what.
Here is one of the finest sci-fi renderings of this space-thing-occurrence that we can think about in our heads but not see with our faces (have you taken that Xanax yet?):
That happened, and we narrowly escaped certain cosmic obliteration. Next time - not so lucky. This all the universe's way of telling you to do lines of coke and Oxycontin now, while you still can.
Sarah is downstairs in her cubicle, playing taps on a bugle that she stole from a homeless/jobless street musician, becasue even they're too depressed to serenade/harass us anymore. But don't worry, friends, it's not all bad--just pop another Xanax and drown your sorrow in today's hugeawesomething (brought to you by Sarah):
On March 19th, 2008, something got really really big and really really bright in our night sky. That something is known affectionately by its friends and family as GRB 080319B.
According to reputable source of high repute SCIENTIFIC BLOGGING DOT COM, "March 19th was an exciting day for NASA. We know “why” it was special, but we don’t know “why why” it was special." Well, friends, it was so special simply for the following reason:
"The optical afterglow was 2.5 million times more luminous than the most luminous supernova ever recorded, making it the most intrinsically bright object ever observed by humans in the universe."
Oh shit Nathan, grab your glaucoma glasses! In other words, brighter than the beacons of hope shining from Barack "Barry" Hussein "Hopey" Obama's hope-eyes.
On March 19th, 2008, something got really really big and really really bright in our night sky. That something is known affectionately by its friends and family as GRB 080319B.
According to reputable source of high repute SCIENTIFIC BLOGGING DOT COM, "March 19th was an exciting day for NASA. We know “why” it was special, but we don’t know “why why” it was special." Well, friends, it was so special simply for the following reason:
"The optical afterglow was 2.5 million times more luminous than the most luminous supernova ever recorded, making it the most intrinsically bright object ever observed by humans in the universe."
Oh shit Nathan, grab your glaucoma glasses! In other words, brighter than the beacons of hope shining from Barack "Barry" Hussein "Hopey" Obama's hope-eyes.
ANYWAY, the universe said, "Thou shalt be PWNED" (because the universe thought of internet l33t speak before the rest of you jerks). You see, not only was this a cosmic ray burst of epic fucking proportions, it was also pointed directly at Earth. From SEVEN POINT FIVE BILLION YEARS AGO. Where is your loving God now? He tried to destroy the Earth from before its creation 4.6 billion/6000 years ago/the Dinosaur Past, bitches. That's even before his only begotten son was wrangling velociraptors for mounts, that's what.Here is one of the finest sci-fi renderings of this space-thing-occurrence that we can think about in our heads but not see with our faces (have you taken that Xanax yet?):
That happened, and we narrowly escaped certain cosmic obliteration. Next time - not so lucky. This all the universe's way of telling you to do lines of coke and Oxycontin now, while you still can. 
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