OK FINE

Do you know what? I have no Idea.

OK Fine and I guess this too

The Internets call this a "Huge Fish Finger."

Don't ask. I'm going home.

nathan where are you & important medical conference LIVEBLOG

Srsly. After much ado about my (brief) departure from regularly updating Huge Awesome Things, and that wonderful post about terrifying tentacled cephalopods, my dearest blog co-writer has failed to uphold his end of the bargain: UPDATING HUGE AWESOME THINGS, HIMSELF.

Therefore, he has left me no choice but to senselessly berate him, in the way that he has HUMILIATED me on the INTERNET. That is the worst kind of humiliation. On the internet.

Also, you should know, NATHAN, that I am updating this blog, that I love so much, from a Big Important Medical Conference, in a Big City, away from Home. If I can step away from my exhibition booth duties and the schmoozing of foreign Medical Professionals to update Huge Awesome Things from this Cyber Cafe for Doctors, Nathan, I'm pretty sure you can stop refreshing Wonkette for five minutes at your desk and write something.

Look at this smug bastard.He is so very pleased to be Advocating and Awarenessing about our Terrible Disease. What a jerk, caring about people. He should be writing about Orbital Processing Facilities, the Baikonov Cosmodrome, or the largest boar testicles. We all suffer when you slack off, Nathan.

I hope you're happy.

Oh, and here's a fun bonus! I will liveblog this Important Medical Conference!

2:45 pm: the Medical Professional at the desk across from me is apparently doing some diagnostic activities, with his finger, in his nasal cavities.
2:48: The topless boys from the Sonic Scan booth just walked by. They are not wearing shirts so that they may demonstrate Scientific Chest-Scanning Tools. I think I may need to exam them, later, in my hotel room.
2:50: NOT HOT. The booth down the aisle is broadcasting, on their 42" HDTeeVee, a taped endoscopic procedure. This involves Internal Organs, in great detail.
2:55: My booth partner is sending me unsatisfed looks. I may have spent too much time in this here Cyber Cafe. Back to foisting brochures and scanning badges. NATHAN UPDATE THIS BLOG RIGHT NOW.

Bye!

Update from Nathan! Holy crap Sarah, you're TERRIBLE at blog post layout. I had to fix your shits. They were everywhere. Also, that photo of me was lame. It's differnt now.

Look at THAT Handsome Bastard!

I'm Not Dead, Just Lazy. Also, Colossal Squid, and Overzealous Capitalization of Titles

Well, well, well. It would appear that public humiliation is a significant motivator! Okay. I will take time out of my "busy" day of reading the same blogs, over and over and over again, until it is time to go home, to write you people a post. And you will like it.

Let's see. Where's our Huge Awesome Things Action Item Tracking Sheet? Can I even remember my Google Docs login? Hmm. Okay, I'm in. What do we have here? Cluster ballooning... nope, biggest RC plane... I'll pass, Hugest Boar Testicles? Jesus, Nathan, what the hell kind of sick action items are these? You can take care of the porcine gonads, thanks. Oh, here we go. I can do this. Let's talk about cephalopods, my most favorite class of mollusca!

As this blog is specifically about Huge and Awesome things, I'll have to pass on the discussion of the emminently adorable cuttlefish (look! he just wants a hug)


And skip straight to COLOSSAL SQUID.

Colossal Squid are the largest known invertabrate. They can grow to 46 feet in length and can weigh half a ton; large enough to take out sperm whales, and even your mom. Here's one of those handy charts I like so much (sorry it is in Socialist Metric and doesn't feature Your Mom):


In New Zealand, some fishermen managed to snag a colossal squid and drag its carcass home for SCIENCE. These men are heroes.


So, what did science find out about the largest squid ever captured? Oh, you know, nothing special.

JUST HUNDREDS OF SUCKERS ON EACH TENTACLE EQUIPPED WITH TOOTH-LIKE HOOKS. THAT SWIVEL, FOR OPTIMAL ATTACHMENT, TO YOUR FACE.

WHAT THE FUCK NATURE.

Also, this thing:


Scientists call this the squid's "beak" which might evoke images of cute sparrows or toucans or other such harmless feathered friends. In this case, "beak" refers to a part of the squid's body that is, you know, dedicated to rending flesh from bone. I mean, no biggie, right? Definitely not a problem when it's stripping the meat off your own thorax.

So, pretty much everything about the Colossal Squid is fundamentally huge, and horrifying. Therefore perfectly suitable to future warfare! When the revolution comes and you're up against the wall, I'll be wearing a Colossal Squid suit, with swivel-hook equipped tentacles and a beak the size of your face. Who's IN CHARGE NOW, BITCHES?

...

Oh hey, this whole post-writing thing is actually easier than I remember it being... hmm, guess I could do this more often, yes?

"It's all my fault--please intervene!"

"Hi Friends! My name is Sarah and I've gradumated from college! Look at me, with my gradumation costume and my silly hat and my flowers all wrapped in plastic and my fake smile for the camera because mom NEEDS MORE PHOTOS YOU'LL ONLY GRADUMATE ONCE!

With such a fancy hat and plastics an flowers and forced smiles an a COLLEGE DERGREE, you'd think that I'd be a responsible adult-type that does not neglect a blog that needs love and care and thingS that are awesome and things that are huge.

I must confess a moral failing. It is my turn to update the blog but it's been THREE WEEKS since it's seen any action because I've been 'busy.' I don't have to tell you what that means because I'm sure that you already know. I'd also like to apologize to Nathan, whose heart has been broken by Hugeawesomethings' pitiful cries for help as I have left even the Hugeawesomethings Action Item Tracking Sheet without an update for nearly a month.

I beg the Hugeawesomethings Community to forgive me. And if you have my email address, or my phone number or we're Facebook 'friends' or you're checking out my profile on OkCupid, please GOD call me/message me/do whatever it is that OkCupid-ers do and scold me for my ineptitude and demand an update!

Only then will I have the balls to show my smart-ass gradumated face to the literally TENS of eagerly awaiting Hugeawesomethings fans who have suffered these long weeks.

The only thing that will save us is the Matrix of Leadership

(Editor's Note: Guest Blogger! "SHUT UP CECI!")







Sometimes I get nauseous when I think about anything bigger than a house. My biggest fears consist of, but are not limited to: the Marianas Trench, Jupiter, and Colossal Squid, simply because their sheer size is so overwhelming I think these things will eat me.

So, along the line of being eaten by massive(ly awesome) things, I must be the bearer of bad news. The hugest, most awesome thing in existence might not be located in our universe. Good for my piece of mind, bad for anyone who gets off on potentially being swallowed alive by things like the Marianas Trench, Jupiter, and Colossal Squid (ew).

To understand what just went down at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland, we must start at the beginning.

OF TIME.

Scientists "know" the age of our universe to be 13.7 billion years old, so the farthest light could ever get from us is 13.7 billion light years away. This is called the "observable universe." We don't really know how big our universe is, we just can't see further than the age of it. To this cosmic big bang soup we add a little theory called inflation. Among many things, it includes the idea of a BUBBLEVERSE, or multiverse. For the sake of making this whole thing less scary, I'll stick with bubbleverse. This theory posits that there are multiple universes beyond the horizon of our own. After the Big Bang, there were these huge fluctuations in energy that caused rapid expansions in space-time (whatever the fuck that means), creating "bubble universes." This theory is totally LEGIT--Brian Greene says so.

To make a long story short, there are a fuckton of galaxy clusters being sucked out of our observable universe. Meaning, OUT OF OUR BUBBLE. According to space.com:

Patches of matter in the universe seem to be moving at very high speeds and in a uniform direction that can't be explained by any of the known gravitational forces in the observable universe. Astronomers are calling the phenomenon "dark flow."

This movement is not the same movement causing our universe to expand--and its speed doesn't decrease over time. WTF. Plus, it's being sucked out to a specific spot--between the constellations of Centaurus and Vela (or that pink spot of death in the map of the cosmic microwave background above). And nothing in our universe has the gravitational strength to cause it. So whatever is causing the flow must be located outside the observable universe. Basically, there is a river of star stuff being STOLEN FROM US. By what, you ask? Again, space.com:

It could include giant, massive structures much larger than anything in our own observable universe. These structures are what researchers suspect are tugging on the galaxy clusters, causing the dark flow.

GIANT!

MASSIVE!

STRUCTURES!

Eating OUR galaxies!

My friends, your childhood nightmares have returned. Unicron is REAL.

Jules Verne is Dead....Again!

Ok ok. It's time to get this blog back on track. Now, I know that I promised yesterday that we would start the recovery process by focusing on non-earthly things, but I was browsing the Youtubes today and decided to settle on a compromise.

I give to you: The controlled deorbit of the European Space Agency's Automated Transfer Vehicle, Jules Verne!!



(do not be fooled by how lame this video appears in the first 25 seconds, please, K THNX)

The Automated Transver Vehicle (ATV) Jules Verne is an unmanned expendable resupply spacecraft that was launched on March 9, 2008 to supply the International Space Station with propellant, water, air and dry cargo (says the WikiGod). And look at how commodious!!

During its six-odd-month mission, the ATV also fired its rockets to raise the ISS orbit by 4.5 kilometers. Can you do that? I cannot either. More on this (with excellent animation).

More ATVs are being built, and the program schedule calls for a similar re-supply mission to the ISS every 17 months. After its mission is complete, the ATV is destroyed in a controlled deorbit over an "unpopulated" area of the Pacific. So every year and a half the International-nauts on the communist/capitalist/politically neutral space station get food staples and other necessities (along with a sweet new pad...I wonder who gets dibs) and we here on Earth get to forget our temporal woes for three minutes and watch a symbol of technological triumph and international collaboration come to a spectacular, fiery end.

Oh wait this video explains everything. MISISON ACCOMPLISHED.

Oh, Wait.

HOPEY will save us!


Myspace Glitter Graphics

EVERYTHING IS STILL FAILING

Including this blog. But don't worry, baby, you know I still love you, right?. Life's just been rough, you know?

Today's hugeawesome (awesome in an 'awesome power'--like the violent deaths of the Egyptians at the hand of God sorta-way) thing is the Stock Market! No no, not the market itself, but its massive never-ending COLLAPSE.

Dow Jones 777 (Lucky!!) point drop threatens your parents' and grandparents' retirement funds and ensures that YOU will NEVER be the seasonal migratory high-rollers that they aspire to be.

Hugeawesome things will be back. We promise. But we're sad and confused right now. It's hard to concentrate on massive bucket excavators or men straddling Space Shuttle engines like horses (ooh dear, I can't wait to bring that one to you) when the very foundation of such industrial excellence and hubris is threatened with utter ruin!

Perhaps we shall deal with the pain by taking a more measured approach to the problem: we will begin the healing process by spending the foreseeable future focusing on cosmic, otherworldly and altogether non-human hugeawesomethings so as to supplant our temporal anxieties with astronomic, existential anxieties.

And then maybe--just maybe--we'll slowly build the courage again to share things like Cluster Ballooning, the Baikonur Cosmodrome and the Wartsila-Sulzer RTA96-C.

Oh, and TRUCKNUTZ

Or, "Yournutz." Whatever. Is that really what your balls look like?

WE ARE SUSPENDING HUGE AWESOME THINGS

BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY.

THIS IS SERIOUS. NOTHING IS HUGE & AWESOME ANYMORE.

THE ONLY THING THAT IS HUGE IS HOW GIGANTIC OUR DEBT IS ABOUT TO BE. AND THAT IS NOT AWESOME.

Oh wait! Let's do a New Feature! Huge Awesome Things AND Investment tips!

TODAY'S TIP:
Put all your money in booze, guns, and porn. Also, corrugated aluminum, for our new hoovervilles.


Hooray!

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

We woke up this morning to news that the government is going to spend all of our money and China's to bail out everything ever that's ever gone wrong with the economy. Remember that pair of sneakers you bought from Landsend that came in the mail but didn't fit and you were too lazy to return? Don't worry, becasue the Fed is so freaked out that those sneakers will destroy the the very foundation of capitalism in America that they will buy them back on a line of credit from China for ten times more than they're worth.

It's that bad.

Sarah is downstairs in her cubicle, playing taps on a bugle that she stole from a homeless/jobless street musician, becasue even they're too depressed to serenade/harass us anymore. But don't worry, friends, it's not all bad--just pop another Xanax and drown your sorrow in today's hugeawesomething (brought to you by Sarah):

On March 19th, 2008, something got really really big and really really bright in our night sky. That something is known affectionately by its friends and family as GRB 080319B.

According to reputable source of high repute SCIENTIFIC BLOGGING DOT COM, "March 19th was an exciting day for NASA. We know “why” it was special, but we don’t know “why why” it was special." Well, friends, it was so special simply for the following reason:

"The optical afterglow was 2.5 million times more luminous than the most luminous supernova ever recorded, making it the most intrinsically bright object ever observed by humans in the universe."

Oh shit Nathan, grab your glaucoma glasses! In other words, brighter than the beacons of hope shining from Barack "Barry" Hussein "Hopey" Obama's hope-eyes.

ANYWAY, the universe said, "Thou shalt be PWNED" (because the universe thought of internet l33t speak before the rest of you jerks). You see, not only was this a cosmic ray burst of epic fucking proportions, it was also pointed directly at Earth. From SEVEN POINT FIVE BILLION YEARS AGO. Where is your loving God now? He tried to destroy the Earth from before its creation 4.6 billion/6000 years ago/the Dinosaur Past, bitches. That's even before his only begotten son was wrangling velociraptors for mounts, that's what.

Here is one of the finest sci-fi renderings of this space-thing-occurrence that we can think about in our heads but not see with our faces (have you taken that Xanax yet?):

That happened, and we narrowly escaped certain cosmic obliteration. Next time - not so lucky. This all the universe's way of telling you to do lines of coke and Oxycontin now, while you still can.

What Post?

FRIENDS: OMG Nathan, you must post a Hugeawesomething today or we will be displeased and undersatisfied.

NATHAN: Silence! I have a JOB and a cubicle and actual RESPONSIBILITIES. I'm not a "community organizer," afterall. Er, I mean, I kind of....

FRIENDS: Uh, aren't you though, I mean, don't you do that thing where you help people to....

NATHAN: Silence! 

Here, take this cop-out fodder. I have no idea what this is--I Googleed it on the internets.

FRIENDS: That's nice, we have some of those back at the apartment.

Say, what's with the HIDEOUS new addition(s) to the site today? WTF?!

NATHAN: I don't know what you're talking about. Go play with your tank nutznballz.

Not Phallic At All: Taipei 101 & Its Tuned Mass Damper

I like it when massive construction projects quite literally take on the shape of Mankind's Engorged Hubris. Oh, how it makes the jokes easier. See if you can count the penis references in this post!

Let's begin by meeting the Taipei 101 skyscraper:



From its completion in 2004 until July 2007, the Taipai 101 was the world's tallest building. It was only recently surpassed in height by the Glass Cock of the Middle East, the Burj Dubai, last year. Despite this, the Taipei 101 is still a firm 1,670 ft tall at its spire - certainly nothing to scoff at. And as all world leaders know, the height of one's national skyscrapers is of utmost importance when posturing on the global stage. Eliminating the need to whip out one's skyscrapers for comparison during, say, an important international meeting, there is a handy chart available:



"Great," you say. "It's a really tall building. But there are lots of those, especially as evidenced by that handy chart above! Is there anything else the Taipei 101 can offer me, in terms of huge awesome things?" Luckily for you, reader, there is!

Nestled between the building's 87th and 89th floor lies the world's biggest tuned mass damper: a 730 ton concrete ball designed to "stabilize against violent motion caused by harmonic vibration" by "moving in opposition to the resonance frequency oscillations of the structure." Here are some sexy pictures:



You may think that a giant ball would be a liability, not a boon, and most definitely not attractive to other skyscraper-stabilizing mechanisms like those those sassy I-beams. Alas, you would be wrong. Watch the drama below! This tuned mass damper prevents the Taipei 101 from collapsing into a pile of broken, flaccid and incredibly expensive dreams:



Also, it's in a huge dick-shaped building. Penises!

Giant Isopods!

So, remember way back in elementary school when the nice/mean lady came to your class and told everyone to get in a line and then poked your head with a tongue depresser and it felt kind of good/creppy? That good hearted/terrifying lady was looking for head lice: Thankfully, she was not looking for their cousins from the sea floor, GIANT ISOPODS!

These suckers mature to a size of between 19 and 37 cm and can weigh up to three pounds. Really, other than that, I don't have words. Oh, except for this: "In Northern Taiwan and other areas, they are not uncommon at seaside restaurants, served boiled and bisected with a clean lateral slice."

"EAT ME!"

Speaking of eating, here's a creppy time-lapse video of a bunch of these guys eating a whale.

SERIALLY GUYS.

Hugeawesomethings is a little blog--it is a baby blog. It is crass and ridiculous and fully of hyperbole and probably not totally accurate. But it is doing its best to grow up and be like all the other blogs that have gone to school and get good grades and do their best to tell the truth.


And now, thanks to the incredible diversity of the internets, we can all rest assured that someone somewhere will treat this indignant, kid-blog like the grown-up adult-blog that it dreams to be!

This comment in response to our last post is huge--and maybe awesome, but the jury is still out, so you decide.

Thanks, friend of Hugeawesomethings! Serially.

The Tsar Bomba: Soviets Take Blowing Shit Up to The Next Level

It's about time for another token Soviet post! These are easily my favorite, because deep down inside, socialist dictatorships and their enormous... engineering projects really turn me on. Also, massive irradiating life-ending-fallout-causing-internal-liquification atomic explosions.

Voila! The Tsar Bomba. 24.5 megatons of dick-waving strategic weaponry.


This was half of its full yield - 50 MT. For comparison purposes, please refer to the following image that illustrates the relative levels of "fucked:"


The Soviets apparently thought this was an "impractically powerful weapon." WTF? Since when was rational thought supposed to enter this equation? You're building a GIANT GODDAMN BOMB OF DEATH. You're saying it kills too good?

The USSR deserved to collapse for their lack of Truck Nutz. If only they had used the Tsar Bomba to obliterate each and every one of their 1) enemies 2) allies 3) Georgian separatists, they could have seized world power and begun repopulating the earth with the reanimated and cloned corpses of robo-Stalin.

Sigh. I suppose my dream of a ruthless robotic Soviet dicatorship future will have to be shelved, again. Another day!

SUBMERSIBLEBOATTRUCKS!

Remember that time waaay back in the year 2000 when you were cruising around in your Arleigh Burke-class Aegis-equipped guided missile destroyer warship/pleasure cruiser and some ASSHOLE ruined your naked sunbathing/boat orgy by blowing a big freakin' hole in the side of your boat with a bunch of explosives in a blow-up raft with an outboard motor? That was a buzzkill if I've ever seen one.

So, there you were-- stuck with this huge 154 meter weapon of war/Yacht with a giant 12 meter hole in its side. Worse yet, you're hanging out on the Arabian peninsula, and you really weren't planning stepping foot on land getting tangled up with the natives, so there's no way in hell you're going to ask them to help you fix your big symbol of American military dominance on the high seas/picnic skiff.

Thank GOD for Semi-Submersible Heavy Lifters!

The M/V Blue Marlin is a 217 m long, 42 m wide vessel capable of transporting oversized cargo weighing up to 30,000 tons. According to the wiki gods: "Its ballast tanks can be flooded to lower the well deck below the water's surface, allowing oil platforms, other vessels, or other floating cargo to be moved into position for loading. The tanks are then pumped out, and the well deck rises to shoulder the load. To balance the cargo, the various tanks can be pumped unevenly."

TRANSLATION: "Throw that shit on the truck and let's the the fuck outtta here."

Semi submersible heavy lifters are the only vessels capable of carrying objects with huge badass names THUNDERHORSE 2 (below).

And lest you be fooled, the Blue Marlin is not the largest of these aquatic beasts. That honor goes to the Mighty Servant(s) I, II, and III.

But (whoddathunkit?!) the MSII sunk in 1999 in Indonesia after running into "single isolated pinnacle of granite directly on the ship's course." (Editor's Note: Please, someone come up with something witty about this). Subsequently, the MSIII sunk off of Angola in 2006. The MSII was declared a total loss and was sold for scrap in 2000, but the MSIII was salvaged in 2007 and is expected to return to service by the end of this year.

Oil and natural gas industries rejoice!

We're Not Dead, So Here's the Large Helical Device

So, apparently the LHC did not destroy the earth (yet) so here's another scientific device that may or may not end life as we know it.



According to wikipedia, this Large Helical Device was developed by the Japanese and designed to "conduct fusion plasma confinement research in a steady-state in order to elucidate possible solutions to physics and engineering problems in helical plasma reactors. "

Whatever the fuck that means. The important thing is, holy shit, look at that mass of twisted steel! Would that not make the best slide ever?

Check out the inside:


I see a plasma rave party in our future, friends.

NEVER FORGET

...that this is a limited time offer at select locations!

There ain't nothin' like particle smashin' to resurrect a half-dead blog

IT'S ON!!

The Large Hadron Collider's hugeawesome apocalyptic intensity is nearly impossible to articulate. Thank God for liveblogging--from the PAST!

4:03 PM Nathan: there is a Hugeawesome update.

4:04 PMjust thought I'd 'touch base' as per that completed Action Step

Sarah: Thanks for that. We'll update the tracking sheet

p.s.:

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/08/the_large_hadron_collider.html

Large Hadron Collider porn (lots of huge [awesome] photos!)

Nathan: ohh YES

4:05 PM they have a GLOBE OF INNOVATION!!

Sarah: i don't know what half the words they are using to describe the equipment are, nor do i have any idea what i'm looking at in the photos, but oh my god PHYSEX

4:06 PM
Nathan: do those 'rescue workers' really expect to save the planet from a cataclysmic artificial black hole by riding around on scooters with gas masks on?

Sarah: yes, obviously

4:07 PM
Nathan: the LHC must truly get an epic hugeawesome post. It will be a once in a blue moon Hugeawesome event

Sarah: let's post it on the day they turn the collider on

Nathan: but then nobody will read it...because we'll all be dead

Sarah: which i think is august 8th? 7th?

4:08 PM http://www.lhcountdown.com/
Editor's Note: This website was destroyed by an LHC-created black hole. The internets are DOOMED.

Nathan: does anyone have ANY idea what any of these futuristic looking things does?i doubt even the designers know what the fuck they were doing

4:09 PM
"We were just told to make something that looks totally sweet and space-agey...it's not our fault that we went and blew up the entirety of the local galaxy group...."

Sarah: massive levels of abstraction. my guess is that no one engineer fully understands what the collider does

4:10 PM
Nathan: this should be posted under a title like "Craziest thing that mankind has ever done. Ever."

Sarah: putting aside my inner cynic for a moment, i think this is a totally amazing testament to the ingenuity and collaboration of mankind

mankind..

ha

Nathan: or the europeans, at least

4:11 PM
Sarah: we had the opportunity!!

ever heard of the texas collider?

Nathan: but, agreed. I had no idea that that many scientists would be capable of shelving their autism for so long as to actually DO something together,much less the craziest thing ever conceived of

hmmm

i have not

i now investigate!

4:12 PM
Sarah: yes, do. you shall discover that we were once the leading force in particle smashing

4:13 PM
Nathan: or...once almost the leading force.....

4:16 PM idea!

i'm going to get a margarita as big as my head today...it can be a hugeawesome post!!!!

Sarah: goddamnit nathan.

Editor's note: The LHC is contained in a 27km underground circular tunnel that spans the border between France and Switzerland. Its depth ranges from 50 to 175 meters underground. Holy Fuck:

Hugeawesomethings is not responsible for the LHC or its inevitable destruction of the Earth or its affiliates thereof.

An Exercise in Scale: VY Canis Majoris

Here’s your mind boggling moment of the day.


The pictures here depict a star (the bright dot in the middle) and it’s solar ejecta.

This is no ordinary star.

The star, VY Canis Majoris, is 1800 to 2100 times the size of our sun. It is the largest known star in the galaxy, and if placed in our solar system, would extend to Saturn’s orbit. If for some mentally deranged reason you wanted to walk the circumference of VY Canis Majoris, assuming a walking speed of 3 mph/8 hours a day and a suit somehow capable of protecting you from temperatures reaching five goddamn thousand degrees Fahrenheit, it would take you approximately six hundred and fifty thousand years to get back to where you started. Compare that to the paltry 310 years required to walk around Sol, our sun, or the downright pedestrian and very reasonable 2 years 7 months to complete a circuit around the Earth.

So, now we that we have a better idea of how fucking gigantic this combusting ball of flammable gasses is, consider its solar ejecta. It easily extends at least ten times the diameter of the sun itself, which is, well, beyond any sane person’s ability to comprehend. I give up.

Arecibo Observatory: Listening to the heavens

"Listening to the heavens"?! What the Fuck kind of shit title is that?! What ever happened to cynicism? Hubris?! Cowering under your monotonously gray cubicle in the face of an existential-crisis-inducing MegaCreation of God Almighty?!


"Listening to the Heavens".......

Sounds like some humanist Jodi Foster Bullshit to me.

How about: "HOLY THIRD-WORLD APPROPRIATING SHIT! That's a big goddamned upside-down nipple dish."

The Burning Gates

In this week's Soviet Disaster Corner, I humbly present the Burning Crater of Darvaza.



(Note the tourists for scale) Located in the middle of a Turkmenistan desert, this giant burning hole is the result of natural gas prospecting undertaken by the Soviets in 1971. When they accidentally stumbled across a huge pocket of natural gas, their drilling rig collapsed creating the crater in the process. To avoid the gas killing everyone/everything around, they set the hole on fire. It has been continuously alight for almost 37 years with no signs of burning out.



The locals like to call this "The Burning Gates" and "The Door to Hell." Suuuure the Soviets were drilling for natural gas, instead of OPENING A LINK TO HELL AND CALLING FORTH THE DEMONS OF THE APOCALYPSE TO END THE COLD WAR WITH THEIR SOUL-CONSUMING FIRES OF DOOM.

Fuck-it Bucket

Hugeawseomethings often trigger a crisis of values on an existential level. "Holy shit, that's sweet!" you may say when gazing upon the Hugeawesome power and pathos of an excellently large missile-rocket. "But," you may continue, "this Hugeawesome missile-rocket is designed to deliver a cluster of thermonuclear warheads to multiple civilian targets..." Enter Dilemma at stage left (or right, depending on your political philosophy).

A case-in-point for the environmentally conscious: the MAN Takraf RB293 Bucket Excavator, the largest terrestrial vehicle in human history.

This Hugeawesomething is 95 meters tall and 215 meters long. It can dig 10 meters per minute and is capable of moving more than 76,000 cubic meters of coal, rock and earth per day.

Translation: Hugeawesome strip-miner.
















How is one to reconcile this Bucket Excavator's Hugeawesomeness with its blatantly destructive habits?!

Hello, Missile

“Hello, I am the YAL-1 Airborne Laser--a megawatt-class chemical oxygen iodine laser mounted inside a modified Boeing 747-400F. My design directive is to destroy tactical ballistic missiles and Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles while in boost phase. From 300 to 600km away, I can target a climbing missile and fire my laser for up to 5 seconds, weakening the missile and causing failure from high speed flight stress. Air turbulence deflects and distorts the laser beam, so I use adaptive optics to compensate for atmospheric errors."

"Also, I am a talking laser airplane."